I've spent a lot of time inside my own head lately, thinking and praying and dealing with the loss of our baby. Now don't go thinking that I'm all depressed all the time lately. That's not the case. I've just been more reflective I guess now that we're getting close to 6 months removed from the miscarriage. Most of the time, I'm just fine. In fact, I'd say that May 3-8 were probably the happiest 5 consecutive days in the last 5 months for me. Not only were two of my best friends and their amazing son out to visit, but Stephen had a majority of those days off as well, which is a rare event. It was truly glorious. Plus the lack of work and the abundance of Rockies games and sunshine... good times.
But, I'd be lying if I said that there weren't still rough moments. Mother's Day was one of them, what with my lack of motherhood. Not that our baby would have been born by Mother's Day, but I consider women to be mothers the second they become pregnant. Just because the baby is growing inside of you doesn't mean that you're not the mother of a child. So I had a little pity party all by myself for a few minutes.
It seems like everybody in the world is pregnant right now or having babies and I'm not going to lie, I'm jealous. It sucks and I feel very badly about feeling this way. I am truly, truly happy for them, but there's a twinge of sadness and jealousy when I read these announcements. It feels very unfair. So I have a little pity party with myself.
Today, though, I was doing my Bible Study (Ruth: Loss, Love and Legacy) and something really struck a chord with me. It was talking about how Naomi told Ruth to go to Boaz at the threshing room floor, instructing her to "get dressed in [her] best clothes." The study goes on to discuss some Bible commentary in which they suggest this as Naomi's way of telling Ruth that she has mourned the loss of her husband long enough. They say that might be in reference to her having been wearing some sort of traditional clothing worn in mourning and that Naomi is telling her to move forward and take off that garment.
The author (Kelly Minter) goes on to say:
"When we're wrapped in garments of mourning, we're unavailable for whatever else God has for us."
Then she says to read Isaiah chapter 54 verses 1-6, focusing on verse 4, as it applies to Ruth.
"Do not be afraid; you will not be put to shame.
Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated.
You will forget the shame of your youth
and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood. " - Isaiah 54:4
You will forget the shame of your youth
and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood. " - Isaiah 54:4
"[Isaiah Chapter 54] Verse 4 doesn't say we won't remember our "widowhood," but the reproach of it. God may not remove the memory, but He's able to take the sting out of it..."
And so, I think I'm done with pity parties. I'm not foolish enough to think that there won't ever be times that are hard. In fact, I'm kind of dreading the beginning of July for the very reason that we thought we would be parents then. BUT, I am letting it go. I'm opening myself to what God has planned for me and for us. I'm opening myself up to blessings. Because I know that God will provide. That God has a plan and I don't want to stand in His way.
