Rollercoaster

One of the single happiest moments of my life occurred in the early morning hours of October 27, 2011. I woke up, went straight into the bathroom and took the first pregnancy test of my life. After waiting three minutes, Stephen went in to read the results. He grabbed the test, smiled and told me we were pregnant. I squealed and jumped on him.

That night, we called our families and closest friends and told them the good news. Every one was excited for us and I loved being able to tell everyone about our baby. I called the doctor the next day to schedule my first appointment. They recommended coming between 6-8 weeks, so it was set for November 14. The next few weeks were like floating on air. The two biggest dreams of my life were coming true: to be a wife and to be a mother. I got gifts for our baby from friends immediately. Like purchased within an hour of my call.

The first appointment did not go as expected. They did an ultrasound and the doctor found the yolk sac and the fetal pole, but no heart beat. She said it could just be too early and that I might not be as far along as we thought. She recommended that we come back in a week and we would check again. She did say that this could be a sign that we would miscarry. Of course, that's the one word that sticks in your head. I was nervous and scared, but Stephen, as always, took excellent care of me. I talked to a few friends and family who had a similar experience with their first appointment and got to feeling better.

After the longest week of my life, we went back on November 21. They used a much fancier ultrasound machine this time and within seconds we could see Baby's little heart fluttering on the ultrasound. Right away, I felt all the anxiety go away and felt secure in our pregnancy. The ultrasound tech was even able to find Baby's heartbeat with the doppler and we could hear it! There's nothing like that feeling. Baby measured at 6 weeks, 2 days, which was about 11 days younger than we had estimated based on my last period. The heartbeat was at 90 beats per minute. They said that was a little slow and asked us to come back in a week to check to be sure it would speed up.

That week was Thanksgiving and we spent it with my parents. We were all happy and loving the fact that a new little member of our family would be born in a few months. I posted our ultrasound picture on Facebook as we were happy and confident that our little one would be okay.



November 28, 2011 will always be one of the worst days of my life. We went to the doctor again and they did another ultrasound. When Baby's little heart wasn't fluttering on the screen immediately, we both knew. Our baby was no longer alive. The ultrasound tech tried very hard to find it, but the heartbeat was not there. Baby was still measuring at 6 weeks and had not grown since our last appointment. The doctor talked us though our options and we chose to let my body miscarry naturally instead of inducing it with medicine or having a D & C. We walked to the car and even though I held it together in the office, I couldn't hold it together once we were alone. Stephen comforted me and prayed for us. I swear I'd be lost without him.

After the new longest week of my life, we lost our Baby on December 4, 2011. The doctor said that the baby was so small, I probably wouldn't even notice when it left my body. I can assure you that was not the case. I saw our baby. It was a surreal experience to know what was going on but to not believe it. Thankfully Stephen was home that day and took the most amazing care of me before, while and after it happened. Exactly a week earlier we were watching football with friends and showing off the picture of our baby with such joy. And now that joy was gone.

I took the next day off of work because I wasn't ready to see people. I know my coworkers are amazing and would comfort me and love on me and care for me. But I wasn't ready for that. I knew a hug would bring tears. I didn't want the kids to ask why I was sad. I didn't want to have to lie to them or try to explain it to them. Sitting at home wasn't really that fun, either. But at least when I went to Chipotle to get food, I didn't have to explain anything. They didn't know I was ever pregnant, so they wouldn't know I lost our baby.

The emotions have been so crazy. One minute I'm sad and can't hold back the tears (right now). The next minute I'm angry. How could this happen to us? How is it fair that this happens to us, after we did everything right? We waited until we were married. We waited until we had established ourselves as a married couple. We planned for this baby. I had been taking prenatal vitamins for three months before we conceived. I started drinking milk, which is one of the things I dislike most. I was eating better. How is it fair that people who don't intend to get pregnant, who never wanted children or who don't love their child's father get to have perfect, healthy babies and we lose ours? Then comes the self-pity.

If I try not to think about it so that I don't feel these emotions, I feel like a bad person and that I don't care enough. How can you NOT think about the loss of your child all the time?

And then, I feel embarrassed. I feel so stupid for putting it on Facebook and telling the world and then having to un-tell them. And I feel like a failure. I feel like a bad mom because I couldn't even keep my baby alive long enough to be born. The doctor said it's not my fault. That there's nothing that I could have done differently. They say that 50% of miscarriages are chromosomal and the other 50% are unexplained. Well I can tell you that they 100% suck.

People don't know how to react when something like this happens. I can tell you I wouldn't have known how either, so I can't really blame them. People say they're sorry and I know they mean it. People ask what they can do to help... there's not really anything. Some people don't say anything at all because they don't want to make it worse. Some sent wonderful, heartfelt cards.

But the most helpful responses were from people who had experienced this themselves. I can't tell them thank you enough for opening their hearts (and possibly their own wounds) to talk me through this. You know who you are. Only they can understand the ridiculous range of emotions you feel in a single hour when you're dealing with this. Only they can understand the physical symptoms you're going through, no matter how gross/upsetting the details are. To those people, thank you. It helped more than you know.

The doctor said that the most important thing to take away from this experience is that we CAN have kids. I CAN get pregnant. This is not a fertility issue. And yes, that is HUGE. I would be even more crushed if we could not have kids.

But, I think the biggest thing that I can take away from this is how blessed I am to have the husband, family and friends that I have. Stephen has truly gotten me through this, while dealing with the loss himself. He held me when I cried (on many occasions), got me food, kept me from making stupid decisions (like going to a friend's house that Sunday to watch football-- he knows I would have powered through it for him but if I had lost the baby in the bathroom of a friend's house we'd have had to move and never contact those people again), heated my heating pad through the cramps, and was just there. He prayed for us. When all I could do when I opened my mouth was cry, he went to God for us. I had two people close to me offer to fly out and be with me when I was told that I would lose the baby. That's love. I had people texting me constantly to check on me and tell me they love me.

I'm obviously still dealing with this. I don't like to talk about it. I'm still emotional when I think about it. I still cry, heck, I'm doing it right now. And I still don't think it's fair and I still don't understand why it happened. I feel a little twinge of pain every time I see a pregnant person, or a friend has a baby or I hear that someone is pregnant. But I don't stop being happy for them. I know the joy they are feeling. And I pray that they never feel the pain that we've felt.

The last month has had the highest high and the lowest low. We've felt the purest and most amazing joy and the most profound pain.

But God is still good. God will bless us again and we will have a perfect, healthy, amazing baby (or two... or more). But we won't stop loving the Baby we lost. But for now, Baby is in heaven hanging out with Jesus and getting to work on our mansion up there while we continue to live down here.

Summer is drawing to a close...

And I'm not sure that I'm ready for it. We've been back in school for about a month now and the weather is starting to change. It only got to be like 72 degrees today and the high is 64 for tomorrow. I like that it's not 90+ but if it's going to drop off that quickly, I'm not sure I want it. It's rainy and dreary and even though every one in the world seems to like Fall, I'd like to hang on to Summer for a bit longer. Although, salted caramel hot chocolate is back at Starbucks so at least if it has to be Fall I can drink myself into a salted caramel coma and sleep through it.

The end of summer came with a great time with Sandi for me and a great time in Vegas for Stephen. I'm pretty sure that we didn't stop talking for three days straight catching up on anything and everything that we haven't talked about since February. It was great to sit down and eat lots of amazing food and go visit beautiful places and just hang out. The weekend passed too quickly but I'm grateful to have had the chance to have Epic Best Friend Reunion: Denver 2011. Here are some photos:

In Evergreen at Evergreen Lake

At Red Rocks

Red Rocks from the stage

At Daniel's Park

While she was here, we spent one evening watching a chick flick and eating ice cream. We watched "Something Borrowed," which is based on a best selling novel. I had heard it was cute, as had Sandi, so we figured we would give it a shot. After watching the movie, we both sat there completely unsure of what to think about it. If you have any intention of reading the book or watching the movie, I would consider not reading the rest of this paragraph as I am going to completely spoil the movie for you. Essentially, the story goes that Brunette Friend had crush on a guy in college. Being too nice for her own good, she ends up setting up her best friend (Blonde Friend) with him. Blonde Friend and Guy get engaged. Brunette Friend accidentally tells Guy that she had a crush on him and they end up hooking up. Then they fall in love, keep cheating on Blonde Friend and eventually Guy breaks it off with Blonde Friend for Brunette Friend. Only to find out Blonde Friend was cheating on Guy with Weird Guy. Meanwhile Childhood Guy-Friend confesses his love for Brunette Friend only to realize she is in love with Guy. In the end, Brunette Friend gets Guy and Blonde Friend and Weird Guy end up together. Childhood Guy-Friend ends up alone. (I didn't like the movie enough to remember their character's names). WHY is it that in our society a movie about screwing over your friends and cheating on your fiance and lying is considered good? Why is it considered cute as long as everyone ends up with who they wanted (no matter the cost)? What does that say about the social norms of our society? It is a sorry state of affairs. I know that I'm kind of a prude when it comes to most things but seriously- this is okay? I guess it shouldn't surprise me when some of the richest and most popular people in our society only have notoriety for making a sex tape. But REALLY? Teenage girls are going to go see movies like this and think that's okay. And parents already don't spend enough time with their children so who is going to steer them in the right direction when they're surrounded by such poor examples? And why is it that the ONE person in the movie who is honest with the person he loves the entire time, who doesn't ruin his relationships due to an inability to resist his carnal desires and who only tries to support his friends ends up alone? It's just dumb. And that is my rant about "Something Borrowed."

Over the last weeks we've had lightning and thunder in the evenings. We were treated to an amazing show a few nights ago and I LOVED getting to watch it and I took some pictures and a three minute movie. Here are a few photos:

Something that was really cool yesterday was that we had no plans for Labor Day when the day started but between when Stephen got off work at 1:45 yesterday and around 3:30 we were able to set up a BBQ at our place and had 5 friends able to come. Brandon, Chris, Kevin, Brandon & Kelsey were all able to come and we had a good time watching Star Wars, talking about all kinds of things, sitting down by the fire pit and drinking Chris' home-brewed beers. A good time was had by all.

We also had the last of our fantasy football drafts last night so we are set to go for the new season. I have 3 teams that should do well and I'm looking forward to getting together with the SuperMan/WonderWoman League group for games again this season. Guaranteed friend time every Sunday and Monday is always a blast.

My parents are coming to see us for Thanksgiving, which is great news! I was starting to really get bummed out that I wouldn't see any of my family for Thanksgiving due to Stephen's work schedule but we will get to spend it with family. I'm really looking forward to having our first Thanksgiving in our own place and hosting (but mostly pumping my mom for her recipes/strategies/knowledge). It's a bummer that I won't get to see the rest of my CA people anytime in the planned future, but I'm happy to see them. And hopefully our Rabon side will be here for Christmas so I can put all that stuff I learn from my Mom at Thanksgiving into practice and spend some quality time with them.

One Year Colorado Anniversary

In commemoration of our first year in Colorado, I have made a list of things I've learned since living in Colorado.

- There is no such thing as a "typical" Colorado season. Every person that you talk to says it is "NEVER this *insert adjective here* (rainy, snowy, cold, hot, humid) this time of year!"

- There are a grand total of 10 black people in the state of Colorado, with the exception of professional athletes. Coming from the Bay Area, which is fantastically diverse, I get overly excited when I find some diversity.

- Despite the fact that we are East of the Rockies like the label says, Best Foods is still Best Foods here, not Hellman's.

- People in Colorado LOVE being from Colorado, moreso than any place I have been before. They even put these stickers on their stuff:


- I know now what a carabiner is.

- No matter what time of day it is, no matter what the weather is and no matter the danger to one's self, there is ALWAYS someone working out outside in Colorado.

- No matter what time of day it is, no matter what the weather is and no matter the danger to one's self, there is ALWAYS someone at the dog park by our house.

- Despite the fact that I always forget to check packages for high altitude cooking instructions, my food has not turned out badly. They generally range from something like 5000'-6500' and we live at 6469'... what do you do if you're even higher than us?

- Even though Brandon thought differently, no one (outside of friends) has talked crap to me when I wear my Raiders jersey.

- Driving in snow is not always completely terrifying but sometimes it definitely is.

- As I already knew, but it is constantly confirmed, my husband is the perfect person for me-- he has helped me through all of the big changes of the past year and has made the move less difficult just by being himself.

- No matter how much time has passed, I still miss my family and friends constantly. It's not homesickness and it's not sad, but I definitely miss being able to see them at the drop of a hat.

- No matter how far away we are, my family and friends back home are still so important to me. There's nothing like a decade plus of history with someone that is just so refreshing.

- Being a Young Guns softball wife is so much fun. I love getting to sit out there every week and support my amazing husband and get to know the girls better. I love our post-game Chili's meals and spending time with the group.

- You do eventually get used to the altitude and don't feel like you're going to die every time you exercise.

- Coors Field is beautiful.

- There are some really great people here. We know some fantastic people.

- I am the only person over the age of 3 who has never skied or snowboarded.

- Deer, coyotes, rabbits and foxes just run around like they own the place. Which is pretty sweet.

- The Denver Aquarium has tigers. I don't know why.

- It doesn't have to be snowing for there to be a snow day. So far mine have all been sunny, there's just snow on the roads.

- When it's been -18, 5 degrees feels amazing.

- There is still so much more to explore here. :)

Family Time

As I mentioned in my last post, we got to spend a lot of time with our families this last month and it was great!

In Fallon, we got to see Mom, Dad, Holly, Ashlyn, Gram, Grandpa, Nana, Papa, CD, Ash, Slade, Uncle Gary, Aunt Laura, Gabriel, Arianna, Gianna and Katelyn. Not to mention a visit from Nikki, Aaron and Parker Glass! And of course the pups: Lily, Paco, Sasha, Caddy and Mo. It was a great week full of good food, softball games and lots of just hanging out and catching up. I hadn't seen Nana & Papa and the Pinedas in almost a year, so that was really nice.







Then, after we returned to Colorado, Stephen's parents and sister drove out from Nashville to spend a couple weeks with us. Dan and Brandi came down from Craig so we had the entire Rabon clan together for the first time since our wedding, I think. We left Texas at Christmas the day Dan came (we only saw each other in the airport) so that doesn't really count. We all got to spend 4th of July weekend together-- playing softball and volleyball and enjoying catching up. Then the next weekend Dan came back and Mike, Marcie, Dan, Matt, Stephen and I hiked in Rocky Mountain National Park to Mills Lake. It was a great visit and even though Stephen and I worked, we got a good amount of quality time.







And now, despite the fact that it's only July, we're a mere two weeks away from the first week of school. Our staff week is the first week in August (setting up classrooms, etc.) and then the kiddos return on August 9. It's been a crazy busy two weeks at the school getting all the supplies ordered and class lists made and finding a new teacher as one from last year has decided to move on. The transition has been a lot of work and craziness but I think that we're going to have a great year with the set up we have now. I'm really excited to see some of the kids who didn't come to our summer program and get to know the new children. It will be here before we know it and I'm looking forward to my second school year there.

For those who don't already know, Stephen was promoted at the end of June to Store Manager. I, of course, am very proud of my husband and how hard he works to provide for this family. He's going through transition at work, too, and so has been working very hard to get everything set up and ready to go. He's doing an amazing job (but really, did anyone doubt that he would??) and he's learning the ins and outs of the new position. He's very humble and didn't want to make a big announcement, so I'm just going to brag about him here :) I'm pretty sure it's my job as his wife and I love doing it.

Stephen will be going to Vegas at the end of August again with the SuperMan League to draft for Fantasy Football so I have been in talks with Sandi to get her out here for another visit. She's got the time off and Chris' blessing and has been looking at plane tickets so I think it's a go! I'm VERY excited about this. Catching up and mischief to follow!

Summer time and the livin' is easy...

Wow, it's been months since I blogged, which seems weird to me, but time is just passing by so quickly. I feel like New Year's just happened and it's almost mid-June. I know they say time goes by faster the older you get but geez, I'm not THAT old yet! It's amazing for me to think that I've been in Colorado almost a year (less than 2 months to go!) and that I've worked at Parker Montessori the majority of an entire school year and a few months shy of a year (September). Life is funny like that. I feel like I'm still new to the area but at the same time also sometimes forget that I've moved until I see a freeway sign saying Denver is north and Colorado Springs is south. I guess that means that I'm comfortable here. I know how to get to all the important places, anyway, and I've developed routines around the places, people and events here. It still sucks to be far away from our families and some of our closest friends, but life is still good.

Warm weather is finally upon us and I couldn't be happier about that! That snowing into May thing is not really my style. Give me a few 75-80 degree days in a row and you've got one happy girl on your hands. Now if we could just turn this darn wind into some gentle breezes we'd really have things in order. Overall, though, I'm looking forward to enjoying the warm months and the green trees and grass that have finally emerged from their hibernation.

Summer time has also brought changes at work. While we do have summer camps going during June and July, we have a significantly lower enrollment during those months. It has a lot do with our clientele-- we have a lot of stay at home moms or families with nannies so the majority of the children that we have during the summer are our students with two working parents. We get a few from the SAHM families, but only like 2-3 days a week and only for the mornings. Just a little time for the kids to learn and retain from the school year, have some socialization and give Mom a chance to run errands, etc. Because of this, my hours have been cut back significantly. I'm working just under half the amount of hours per week that I worked during the school year, which has been quite a change for me. I'm not liking the pay cut at all, but I'm trying to make the best of the extra time off. I've been reading a lot and I'm looking into starting to volunteer at a local food bank in July (I'll be gone and they'll be closed the remainder of this month). I spent an hour laying in the sun reading on Wednesday and that was pretty fantastic. I also gave blood, which I've been overdue for. Speaking of overdue, I finally took Josie in for a recall notice I received from Toyota in March... I know, horrible car owner. They had to order the part, so I'll need to take her back in, but at least I've got the time now. Maybe I'll even go to the dentist... super overdue for that one! So maybe summer will come in handy to catch up on some things... and hopefully make it to a few Rockies games!

On Wednesday, Stephen and I are headed to Fallon to see my family. I can not possibly tell you how excited I am for this trip, for a couple reasons. #1. I get to see so many people who I love and miss like crazy! #2. An entire week with Stephen, where neither of us works! That's amazing! It's going to be so great to see everyone, and I'm so happy and blessed that so many people are making the trip from various places to see us :) It's going to be Dad, Holly & Ashlyn in Fallon, Mom, Gram & Grandpa from Vacaville, Nana & Papa coming up from Victorville and CD, Slade & Ashleigh from Pleasanton. I'm even trying to get in some Nikki Glass time :) It's going to be a full house and a crazy week but I am looking forward to seeing everyone so much! We're hoping to get a group family picture in while everyone is there-- yes, everyone in the picture!-- and I can't wait to see it and have it and show off how amazing our family is. Divorce has not torn the two sides of my family apart and I can't express how much I LOVE that about my family. There's going to be so much family, fun and food that I'm taking my running shoes with me so that I don't gain 100lbs. I've already plotted a course on the streets by Dad's house. Maybe I can even get one of the 6 (yes, SIX!) dogs that will be there to run with me. Yes, we are crazy. 13 people, 6 dogs, 1 house. Oh dear.

Then, we'll get back to town, have a little over a week and then Mike, Marcie and Rebekah are headed out from Nashville to stay with us for a couple weeks! We've already got Matt living with us for the summer and Dan comes down from Craig from time to time so we'll have a house FULL of Rabons :) They'll be out here for the 4th of July (and the block party that comes with it) and then will spend the next couple weeks having some quality time with us, their friends here in CO and enjoying being "home." It should be a great time. I'm sure that Dan will probably come down with Brandi at some point so that should be fun for everyone to be together! My "relaxed" work schedule will be a definite advantage during those weeks to maximize the amount of time I'll get to spend with everyone. Looking forward to that!

This summer is going to be filled with family and I LOVE that.


And, because a blog post is kind of boring without photos, here are a few from recent family fun in Colorado:



The Rockies game for Dan's birthday -- beat the Cardinals 15-4!


From Mom's Easter Visit!


From Gram & Grandpa's Mother's Day visit!

Heartbreak

Despite the multitude of blessings in my life, something has been weighing on my heart heavily. I have an amazing job that allows me to spend time getting to know the children we care for and their families. I have shared joy with families as they welcomed new babies, as they celebrated buying a house and as they got new jobs. And I absolutely love being the first person that they meet when they come to the school to tour, the person who remembers the little details about their family/child and welcoming them into our community. I truly am grateful that I get to be that person in our school.

However, with getting to know the children and their families also comes heartbreak when life is hard for them. Our children range in age from 15 months to 6 years old and some of them are dealing with things in their lives that they are just too young to deal with. We have children dealing with alcoholism in their families, children dealing with the possibility that their parents' marriage may not last, children whose parents work so much that they only see them one day each week and children whose parents are in treatment for serious diseases such as cancer. I've grown to know and love these kids and seeing them deal with such adult issues is really hard. I just want to scoop them up into my arms and hold them and comfort them. And there are some days that that's exactly what they want and need, so I do.

It breaks my heart to have a child burst into tears at and then explain to me that the card they're making for their dad shows him falling down the stairs that morning because he's intoxicated. A young, beautiful, amazing child witnessing that and seeing the way it affects them and their sibling and mother. Having children under the age of 10 attended Al-Anon meetings to try to support each other as their family tries to rebuild itself while being ravaged by alcoholism is just so hard. I'm sure it's a great program and that it is helping immensely, but the fact that they have to go just makes me so sad.

It breaks my heart when I get a phone call from a parent asking if their child can stay at school longer because the parent who normally watches them in the afternoon can't watch them because they are too drunk to drive. At 11 am. On a Wednesday. An amazing, bright child misses out on quality time with their parent because they chose alcohol instead.

It breaks my heart to know that children may have to deal with parents splitting and possibly divorcing and having to deal with life changing dramatically. Even if the parents get along well, life will not be the same. And those children will deal with a variety of emotions like sadness and anger and confusion.

It breaks my heart to know that there are some children who don't get to see one parent hardly ever. A parent told me that because they have to work so much, they only see their child one day a week. And they make that day a special day just for the two of them, but it is so sad to think of all the time lost. That parent is grateful to even have a job in this economy, which is totally understandable. But, as Stephen pointed out, if they only have that much time with the child, where is the time with the spouse? How can a marriage stay strong for the parents and the child with so little quality time?

It breaks my heart to know that children are dealing with the possibility of losing a parent to a serious illness. We have a parent who is a cancer survivor (thank the Lord) who is living with the after effects of increased testing each time they are sick- blood work, chest x-rays, various scans. We have another parent currently undergoing treatment for cancer and I believe the prognosis is good, but it's still scary. The very thought of my parents or grandparents getting sick makes me want to burst into tears and I've got a good 20+ years of life on these kids.

And it breaks my heart to know that this is not an anomaly. These children are a few of many, many children who deal with topics far above their age and maturity level. These children live in Douglas County, the 7th richest county in the nation (that statistic was on the radio earlier this week). They do not live in a rough area, yet they suffer with some of the same afflictions. So it breaks my heart to know there are children who deal with these topics as well as poverty, drugs, gang violence, etc.

So I pray and pray for these kids and their families. I pray for God's healing, for God's peace and for God's will in their lives. And I am there when they need me, in whatever way they do. There are some mornings with the children that a child will stand with their body against me and have me play with their hair. For 30 minutes straight. If that's what they need for comfort, that's what I'll give them.

Children are just SO precious. They are gifts from God meant to be loved, cared for, nurtured and brought up by parents who love them unconditionally and make them the priority. They deserve the very best that their parents can give them.

As I pray God's will for these children, I think of Jeremiah 29:11.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

I already love my future children so much and I want so badly that they should never deal with the pain these children are dealing with. And I know that Stephen and I will try as hard as it is humanly possible to take care of the children that God entrusts to us. And with His help and the help of our family and friends, I feel confident that we will take care of them in the best possible way.

Time for Some R&R (&R&R)

This blog brought to you by the letter R!


Running:
I'm back to having a routine with my running. I know, I know, in the course of this blog I've stopped and started 2-3 times, but I'm back in action and getting my butt kicked by my treadmill every other day (which comes to 3-4 times per week). My shoes and I have now logged 344.6 miles together. I logged into Nike+ for the first time in a long time (I've been uploading runs straight from my iPhone) and checked out my status in both my "Run Across America" challenge and progress to Nike Level Blue. Using my friend Google, I saw that I am almost completely across Washington and will be entering Idaho soon :)Doesn't seem like much when you zoom out and see the whole USA, but that's pretty far on foot! I am also 276.5 miles away from the next level, which means I'm over halfway there. It's the small victories.

In addition to running, I've been dabbling in yoga and pilates on my off days. I haven't been as dedicated with those since returning from Spring Training but it's been easy to get distracted with Rockies games on and a cute husband to cuddle. He's been working more mornings, so he's home when I get off work. A blessing to be sure, but it's hard to turn down cuddling on the couch in favor of exercise.

I have also been making an attempt to eat healthier. I'm watching my calories with the Loseit! app/website and eating a whole bunch more fruit. I love fruit, so I don't understand why I didn't eat more previously but I love my breakfasts of Cuties clementines, strawberries, raspberries or blackberries. So good. I've lost a little weight, which is always a welcome side effect. Nothing to write home about, but people are noticing a little bit of a slim down (Stephen & coworkers). That's nice :)

I'm also looking to start trying new recipes including more healthy ingredients such as quinoa. I found a black bean and quinoa chili recipe online as well as a quinoa & tomato salad that looks pretty good. I located it at King Soopers and will hopefully be trying it soon. We've got our meals planned for the next two weeks (we're trying to save money and waste less) so perhaps after that.

Reading
Thanks to a snowy day last Sunday, some relaxing evenings at home and Stephen closing two nights this week, I made it through three books this last week! How crazy is that? Totalling about 1500 pages, I read The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, Redeeming Love & The Unnamed. The first I found disturbing, the second I found redeeming (appropriately named) and the third I found interesting/odd.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo was for my Colorado Book Club. The book was interesting as you follow the mystery plot, but call me old fashioned, reading about rape, sadism and murder are just not my cup of tea. I felt that the detail given to these sections of the book were excessive and that I wanted to know more about the family mystery than the sad society that exists in Sweden. Each section began with a depressing statistic about the amount of sexual assault in Sweden (I'm not naive enough to pretend there isn't plenty of sexual assault here in the US, but it makes me sad to think about, much less read about in detail) and every person in the book has had an unfortunate history with sex and it is largely portrayed badly or without importance. People in Sweden apparently give it away like it isn't a big deal (yes I know that happens here too, doesn't make it a good thing). Maybe I'm just a big old prude.

Redeeming Love was everything a girl could hope for out of a Christian historical fiction novel depicting the story of Hosea & Gomer from the Bible. Not going to lie, I couldn't remember the story of Hosea off the top of my head (for shame!) but this book does contain elements of sadness and forced sexual relations but the story also helps the character involved to deal with it. Whereas those who suffered in The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo were not given any help following their incidents (unless death counts), this story follows a "soiled dove" as she is shown God's love through a man who, knowing her past, is willing to love her no matter what. A solid depiction of a man being "Jesus with skin on" as Pastor Ben used to say.

The Unnamed was an odd book. The premise is that a man has an unnamed, undiagnosable disease that causes him to walk without stopping until he reaches the point of total exhaustion. He has no control over this and it often occurs when he would least like it to. It follows his struggle to handle the illness, his wife and daughter's struggle to help him as well as understand it themselves, and his undying love for his wife, no matter where the disease takes him. He struggles with thoughts of suicide, questioning the existence of the soul/God, how to "beat" the beast, how to keep his job as a lawyer and how to be there for his family. It sort of reminds me of The Time Traveler's Wife in his inexplicable disappearances and waking up in random places. It wasn't a bad read, though I'm not sure it lived up to the acclaim it received. Here I go being a prude again, but I'm not sure that the F-bombs dropped throughout the book or the descriptions of sex acts between him and his wife helped advance the story. It sort of reminded me of The Human Stain in that respect. Swearing for swearing's sake annoys me. It only makes you cool if you're in junior high and think you're a rebel. And even then it doesn't make you cool, it makes you an idiot.

Reflection
Stephen and I are one week away from hitting our First Wedding Anniversary. It seems crazy that it's been a year and I've spent some time thinking about the days leading up to our wedding. I laughed to myself this morning thinking about my obsessive compulsive need to check the weather forecast for our wedding weekend literally every thirty minutes leading up to the big day. Having an iPhone is a blessing and a curse sometimes :) I was thinking about how many incredible people were praying for that weekend to be great... it was amazing to have so many people speaking into our lives in such a positive way. I thought about my amazing bridesmaids who threw me an incredible bridal shower, who helped me with invitations and favors, who gave me advice and love throughout the planning process, who are the best friends a girl could ask for. Man, I miss being close to them. I was thinking about how I wasn't nervous about marrying Stephen one bit before or on our wedding day- I was nervous the day of about the ceremony and things running smoothly, but never once did I get nervous about marrying Stephen. That was the easiest and best decision of my life. I was thinking about how extremely blessed we were by the people who came from all over to be there for our wedding-- family & friends poured out their love to us in person and through cards and gifts. I was thinking about how this is the first of a lifetime of anniversaries for us and how each year we'll be more in love and have more reasons to celebrate as our little family grows.

We'll be going to my first Rockies game at Coors Field to celebrate our anniversary. There's nothing I love more than experiencing life with Stephen by my side.

Really Exciting Upcoming Events:
April 18- Our Anniversary!
April 21-25- Mom is here to visit!
May 6-9- Gram and Grandpa Tom come to visit!

Spring Training 2011

There's nothing quite like a road trip to make some great memories. Sandi and I have had some epic road trips- many of which ended in a trip to Disneyland and more inside jokes than I can count. Mom and I have had our fair share of trips that have been both short and long but have produced laughs for years afterward. For Spring Training 2011, Stephen, Brandon and I braved the 13 hour drive in one day each way to get to warmer temperatures, sunny skies, In-n-out, Whataburger and some Rockies baseball.

The Preparation
Having never been to Spring Training before, and sad to say a single Rockies game in my life (though I have watched many a game on TV), I may have been overly excited for my first year. It was probably a combination of excitement, availability and cuteness that lead to the purchase of 3 Rockies related clothing items the day before our trip. I went to Target to get a Rockies hat. Totally necessary for blocking the sun and avoiding sunburn on my face, right? Obviously a practical purchase. Here I come to the Sporting Goods section and lo and behold, there's an entire end cap of Rockies hats. After a short deliberation, I selected a hat which would be both functional and really cute. Then, to my left, there's an entire aisle of Colorado sports teams apparel. I probably should have walked away, but I was drawn in. Jersey style shirts, tee shirts, hoodies, and baby clothes (oh man those are the cutest). I start browsing and decide to buy myself a tee shirt-- after all, with my Rockies jersey and Spilborghs shirt I only had enough Rockies outfits for two games and we were going to three. I found a boys' large CarGo shirt and decided I would get that one- kids clothes are more cost effective anyway. Then I felt bad that Stephen wasn't getting anything. So I found him a Jimenez tee shirt. As I was walking away, a spot of purple catches my eye... there was ONE Tulowitzki women's shirt left, in my size, and super cute. Back goes the boys' CarGo shirt and into my cart goes the Tulo shirt. Some things just can not be helped.

This is a photo of what we packed for this trip (minus my Spilly shirt):



Add some Gatorades, water bottles, sunflower seeds and peanuts to that and we've got a trip.

Day One: Hitting For the Cycle
When you're too excited to sleep, 5:00am comes really early. Having packed the night before, all that needed to be done was shower, lock the house and head out. Brandon arrived around 5:45 and we headed to the store to get cash and ice for our cooler. One quick run through the Starbucks drive thru and we were on our way south on I-25.

There are 4 ways to participate in a road trip: Passenger, Driver, Sleeper and DJ. Consider these much like hitting a single, double, triple and homer. Not every person in the car can hit all 4 but when you do, it's going to make for a good time. I was lucky enough to get to do all 4, making the 13 hour drive feel much shorter than it actually was. Combine this with music from three different iPods, reminiscing on songs of years past and pondering the suckiness of the lives of various farm animals and you've basically got the mentality of this trip.

Our first stop was in Trinidad, CO to get some gas and Mickey D's to fuel the next leg of the trip. The boys told me that Trinidad is the sex change capital of the world, leading me to eye every person in the overly busy McDonald's suspiciously. Man? Woman? Some were unclear. Trinidad has some really cool old brick buildings (some of which are apparently a college) but I was happy to be moving on out after getting some much needed potatoes in my life. Love me some hash browns. I even got a short nap in on that full belly.

Next we stopped in fabulous Las Vegas...New Mexico. Now I'm not gonna lie, I haven't been to the real Las Vegas since I've been old enough to partake in any of the activities for which people generally go to Las Vegas, so maybe I'm not the best judge of this but Las Vegas was not all it has been hyped up to be. I mean, the strip did have some classy places-- Days Inn, the BK Lounge and Devil's Tattoo (who pride themselves on using a clean needle every time!)-- but there was something missing. Maybe it's because we hit it in the morning and I didn't get to see the strip all lit up...

I took over driving here and DJ duties so some classic rock was in order. Brandon took the backseat and a nice long nap while Stephen watched a movie on his Netflix app. So it was me, some awesome music and the open road. Now I'm a desert girl-- I just love the look of a desert landscape with the shrubbery and rocky ridges. Maybe it's being born in Arizona or visiting the CA High Desert all through my life but the views were gorgeous. I drove through Santa Fe (which is much smaller than I thought it would be) and Albuquerque (and remembered getting snowed in there once with my brother and Dad and eating at an awesome Mexican place called Los Betos) until we stopped just outside of Gallup for some gas and food. It was a nice drive but I was getting antsy to re-enter my birth state. It's been a while but I'll always be an Arizonan at heart.

Brandon took over driving duties and we crossed state line to a drive full of rock formations, random dinosaur statues at every gift shop and awaiting a drive through the Tonto National Forest. The boys were surprised to see the beauty of a forest and mountainy area in Arizona but I remember spending time camping as a kid. Payson, AZ is a really cute little mountain town and we made our last stop there before driving the last hour and a half to our hotel. The drive was beautiful. We caught the sun going down over the mountains and I was eating up having the windows down and it still being warm. I can't wait for summer.



We arrived at our hotel and got all checked in. Our room was nothing fancy but we did have a beer fridge. I don't like beer so I'm sure you can imagine that I was not the one who named the fridge, though it did keep my Strawberry-Orange Gatorade nice and cold. Within minutes we were locating the nearest In-n-Out and eating our own little pieces of heaven. I was also advised by a very drunk Giants fan to not drink when it's hot out. When I didn't acknowledge his advice, he reiterated it. Repeatedly. Guy was barking up the wrong tree. With full bellies and a long day behind us, we returned to our hotel, watched some ESPN and passed out.

Day Two: Hitting the Sweet Spot
Our first game was on day two-- Rockies at the Reds at Goodyear Ballpark. Goodyear is the furthest ballpark from where we were staying but was also the closest to my old stomping grounds of Luke Air Force Base. I was really excited for this game, donned my hat and Rockies jersey and was ready for the sunshine, hot dog and baseball. Nothing hits the spot quite like a day in the sun. After some delicious Whataburger, we headed for the stadium. When we approached and parked, I was surprised by how small the stadium was. Home of the Indians and Reds, Goodyear Ballpark is super small and very homey. This made it easy for us to walk right up to the bullpen and watch John Maine warm up for his start.






After they warmed up, one of the Rockies' catchers tossed Stephen the ball and we were set to find our seats. He was nice enough to give me the ball :) which I carried around like a trophy when we were looking for our seats. We were just beyond the bag on the first base line, four rows from the field and enjoying a gorgeous sunny day.



The boys had some beers, I had a hot dog and we watched as the Rockies fell to the Reds after 9 innings. Though we did not win, we did enjoy the time watching as Rockies up-and-comers, Spring Training invitees and a few starters were out there showing what they've got. After a great many "Dex/Spilly, love that guy!" exclamations as well as some "Franklin Morales, why do we even keep that guy?" questions, we left the field ready for two more days of baseball, our first trip to Salt River Fields at Talking Stick and slightly sunburned.

We made a detour to see my birth place and home for the first 8 years of my life, Luke Air Force Base. Unfortunately they had closed down the roads near it for crowd/traffic control for the air show they had that day (which led to a double show during the ball game! LOVE the sound of planes flying overhead...Air Force brat represent) so we couldn't get very close. It was nice to see it and remember a very happy childhood inside those gates.



That evening we decided amongst ourselves that instead of going to chain restaurants we'd try out some local stops. We were feeling Mexican (but really, when aren't we?) so we called down to the front desk in hopes of getting a local's recommendation. The chick at the front desk had no idea (who DOESN'T know a great Mexican place in their area, I mean, REALLY???) and so we consulted the internet. After scouring Urban Spoon, Yelp and Google, we decided to head down to a place called Mi Patio. The food was okay, nothing to write home about, but one thing of note was that there was a table full of Dodgers fans there. It's truly a thing of beauty to see fans from so many different clubs in one place all decked out in the colors of their favorite team. Every place we went there was someone representing their team. LOVE that.

Day Three: If You Build It, They Will Come

Rockies vs. Angels at home. Salt River Fields at Talking Stick (hereafter to be referred to as Talking Stick) is the brand new and gorgeous new Spring Training facility of the Rockies (and Diamondbacks, but that's less important in this story). When we drove up, listening to Miley Cyrus no less (thanks, boys and thanks Troy Tulowitzki), we were all in awe of the magnitude of the complex. There are several side training fields and three team stores on the premises. The sticky-uppy-lighting fixtures (which, yes, is a technical term) remind me of the Bay Bridge, which I love and miss, so I may have thought it was more beautiful than others.



The classic saying "If You Build It, They Will Come" held true. It was a sell out-- 12, 209 people were in attendance to see the Rockies host the Angels. The lawns were covered, the seats were full and there were people milling about the entire game. Truly a capacity crowd. Our seats were along the third base line, right next to the Angels bullpen and right next to CarGo. We also had a great view of Tulo doing his thing.



The game started off great... our lineup was pretty similar to what it will be on Opening Day and the matching purple Tulowitzki shirts that Brandon and I wore to the game were christened in incredible fashion. Tulo opened the game with a three run homer and we went CRAZY. He followed it up with a solo home run and we knew he hit them for us. We were sitting in a pretty rowdy section (which is always fun--even if they were Angels fans) but the game was great.

The boys has some beers and I had a hot dog. Let me tangent now for a moment about hot dogs. For me, you just can't go to a baseball game without having one. Since the days of attending the minor league Mavericks games with my Papa and having MavsDogs to going to A's games with the Adys and loving $1 hot dog night, a hot dog is a baseball game MUST. Talking Stick has got it right. Not only was the Rockies' hot dog double the diameter of the Reds' hot dog (please keep your "that's what she said" comments in your heads!) but it was much tastier. As a baseball hot dog connoisseur, I would like to put a hearty stamp of approval on the Talking Stick hot dogs. I hope that when I make my first trip to Coors Field that the RockiesDogs can hold up to the high standard it set for Rockies games for me.

The game ended in a 6-6 tie in the 10th inning and we stuck around for a while after the game to allow the crowds to clear out.



We stopped in a couple more team stores and then grabbed our mitts and played catch in the parking lot. It was a lot of fun to hang around and enjoy the ambiance of baseball.

We headed over to the Salt River Resort Casino to have the boys try their luck on the blackjack tables. They played for a good while before we decided to call it a day and find a good, local restaurant to eat at. Thanks to the internet we found a little hole in the wall Japanese place in Scottsdale called Hiro Sushi. The wall was covered in pictures of famous Japanese people who had eaten there, including Daisuke Matsuzaka, Ichiro Suzuki, Kosuke Fukodome and Hiroki Kuroda. This looked promising. The boys had sushi and I had the teriyaki chicken dinner. It was GOOD. The boys say the sushi was really good (though I say YUCK) and we left happy. We also tried to find a ColdStone locally but the GPS took us to the ColdStone HQ. No ice cream for us :(

Day Four, Part One: Called On Account of Rain
We were hoping the weather reports would be wrong. We were hoping the rain would hold off long enough to squeeze in 9 innings of baseball vs. the defending World Series champion Giants.

We started the morning at Over Easy, a local breakfast place once visited by Guy Fieri and Diners, Drive-ins and Dives. Our plan to eat locally extended to the morning hours now. The place was packed (it had been on Saturday, the first time we tried to come, too) and their menu included some interesting fare. Not being an egg person, I went with meat and potatoes--classic Amanda. Hash browns and bacon. Can't go wrong there. The boys had two Over Easy meals and really enjoyed them. Stephen had The Wolfpack-- bacon and your choice of eggs sandwiched between two layers of hash browns. If it weren't for the eggs I'd be all over that. Brandon had the corned beef hash and claimed it was the best he'd ever had. Definitely a good stop.

We headed down to Scottsdale Stadium under ominous skies. Knowing that we may get rained out, we parked at a park about 10 minutes (by foot) away so that we wouldn't have to pay for parking. The Stadium is tiny and has bleachers on the outfield seating. We had lawn seats so we made our way to the lawn with rain misting us. By the time we got settled it was drizzling.




We were seated next to a very friendly Giants fan who talked to Brandon about the NL West and players the Giants had lost since last season. He came out from Alameda to see them play. The game started and every inning brought more rain and more pain to one Mr. Tim Lincecum. In the 3 innings that were played before the delay, Timmy had 7 hits and 5 runs against him and was pulled out of the game. As a Rockies fan, we were rejoicing in the outfield lawn. Our starter, Matt Reynolds, had a no hitter going. We were getting pretty wet by the time they called the delay. We waited around about 10 minutes before realizing they would have no choice but to cancel. They announced it over the loud speaker as we were just outside the stadium walking to the car. For the three innings we saw, it was a great game. There were a lot more "Dexter Fowler, love that guy!"s to be said and an adorable little boy tumbling down the hill to watch during those three innings and despite being very wet, I loved every minute. The lawn is a unique experience and it was fun to have it.

Brandon wanted In-n-Out once more before we left town so we headed to lunch where, as we walked in the door, we were greeted by fellow Rockies fans. There were fans of all kinds there since all the games got rained out. After soaking up the baseball camaraderie while gorging ourselves on some burgers, we headed back to the hotel.

Day Four, Part Two: Highway to the Danger Zone
Upon returning to the hotel we had a short pow wow and decided that we would head home and try to beat the storm in the mountains. We had been planning to return the next morning via Flagstaff but remembering my youth and snow trips to Fort Tuthill, we opted to return the way we came. We got packed and in the car in record time and hit the road. We got to Payson and gassed up the car and noticed that the rain drops had become snowflakes. With Stephen at the wheel we headed up the mountain and were greeted by snow both on the ground and falling from the sky. Luckily Stephen's experience and my choice to distract myself with The Girl with The Dragon Tattoo helped to keep the stress level to a minimum. There were cars that had gone off the road (they must have been driving too fast) and the place looked like Narnia but we powered through it. Once we got to Holbrook, AZ, the snow was falling but not sticking. We were out of the woods by Alburquerque (at midnight, no less). I was in and out of sleep a majority of the trip home but I distinctly remember the GPS trying to lead us down the highway to hell.



The boys, powered by coffee and soda, navigated us safely home, where we arrived around 6am. After a quick goodbye, Brandon went home to his own bed and we went upstairs to our own bed where we promptly crashed.

Lessons Learned:

1. Spring Training is a must. Every year, if possible.
2. Don't make your GPS angry by going against her wishes or she will lead you down the path of unrighteousness.
3. Getting out of a food rut and trying local fare can pay off.
4. Don't listen to drunk Giants fans.
5. Always pack a waterproof jacket. You never know.

Overall, I'd do it all again in heartbeat. It was an awesome experience I am happy we had, especially since we decided a month ago to actually go for it. I can't wait to go back next year and the year after that, etc. I can't wait to take our kids someday. I can't wait to meet up with fellow baseball fans for games in the future (Ady family I'm looking at you!!). I can't wait to be those people who know people at Spring Training because they go every year.

Love After All, Matters the Most

Another month has come and gone and I can't believe that it will be March tomorrow. It seems like we just celebrated New Year's and we're already two months into 2011.

Since my last post, we have settled things with the car. Stephen went ahead and claimed the accident with the guy's insurance (which also happens to be ours) and they had their own adjustor look at it. Whether it was the combination of a dirty car covering previous vandalism and -7 degree weather or that the Jeep is actually worth more than we thought, we did not have to total Alexander. And we're both hugely thankful for that. The adjustor estimated the damage and handed Stephen a check to repair it with at our own discretion. Since the damage isn't that bad and it's a Jeep and looks rugged any way, we were able to bank the check for other uses. Combining that with our tax return, we were able to pay off my credit card completely and make a huge dent in Stephen's credit card. This is a REALLY good feeling. It also helps us to get closer to a place where we can start talking about having little Rabinos (Rabons + bambinos= Rabinos).

We also threw a Pro Bowl party since my last post. It was a lot of fun to have our friends over to the house, eat some kalua pig, drink some Mai Tais and make the most pointless NFL game of the year fun. We had a pretty good turn out (Us, Brandon, The Gossetts, Jameson, Kevin, Lauren and Mindy) and the food was a hit. So much so, in fact, that we cooked the other half of the giant pork butt to take over to Brandon's for the Super Bowl :) Seriously, look at the size of this thing:




The Super Bowl was great- we were all cheering for the Packers, so it made the experience that much better. It was great to see one of my high school classmates out there playing and bringing a ring back to Vacaville. It was kind of sad when it was over, knowing that that particular group of friends got together every week to watch football together and football was over. Hopefully we'll find many reasons to still get together going forward. Those of us in the Rabon household definitely felt the post-football season "hangover" of knowing that it would be months before another football game. We'll get a slight taste of football during the draft at the end of April, but then it will be months again... sigh.

Lucky for us, Rockies baseball has started in Spring Training and in a matter of weeks we will be there enjoying the Arizona sunshine and the boys of summer with Brandon. We're trying to make it as cheap as possible, so we're driving down (my car gets great gas mileage) and splitting the cost of the hotel and games with Brandon. It's still a good amount of money but the experience will be amazing. Road trips always lead to great stories (Sandi, I know you know what I mean!!) and let's face it-- sunshine, a hot dog and baseball? Is there anything wrong with that? The stadium, Salt River Fields at Talking Stick, is brand new and gorgeous.



Plus it will be nice (and probably kind of weird) to be back in my old stomping grounds (I did a lot of stomping between the ages of birth and 8). I'm interested to see if I recognize anything and if so how different it looks. It should be a great trip and I'm really looking forward to seeing the Rockies take on the Reds, Angels and Giants.

Thanks to my amazing husband donating the free flight he earned to the cause, I was able to go back to California for a long weekend and get to visit with my family and friends. It was so great to get to see everyone and catch up. Let me tell you, this was a weekend talk-a-thon. I spent 4 hours catching up with my former boss and family friend, Judy and then later that night spent 5 hours catching up with my amazing "Bad Things Happen in Chapter Two" book club. Thank the Lord for technology so that Nikki could webcam into the conversation. My dad and Holly came out too, which was great. We were able to have long family talks with them, Mom, Gram and Grandpa. I love my family. We certainly put the fun in dysfunctional and I love it. I was also able to hit the must have California meals-- In-N-Out, Murillos (with a great group of people, including the Adys and Matlocks) and Chin Hua. I ate VERY well.





We are quickly approaching our first wedding anniversary... with as fast as this year has gone by we'll be there before we know it. I think about our wedding very often and how truly perfect it was. Every time I think of it, the memories are nothing but good and they make me smile constantly. Being married to Stephen is the best thing ever. I'm so lucky to be married to my best friend, a person I trust with my life, who I am always proud of and love to brag about, who I respect and admire and who loves me better than any one else possibly could. I am so happy to be his wife.





The title of this blog is from "Love Never Fails" by Brandon Heath. We played this song during our wedding ceremony when we did our first communion as man and wife & when our parents came forward to pray over our marriage. It is so strongly connected to that memory and the feeling of that moment that I get emotional (ridiculously happy) when I hear it. I also think of our DJ, who though not a practicing Christian, felt an intense spiritual moment during that part of the ceremony due to the depth of what was going on paired with the music. He made it a point to mention it to me during the reception and to another wedding guest who told him what it was he felt-- the Holy Spirit moving.