Heartbreak

Despite the multitude of blessings in my life, something has been weighing on my heart heavily. I have an amazing job that allows me to spend time getting to know the children we care for and their families. I have shared joy with families as they welcomed new babies, as they celebrated buying a house and as they got new jobs. And I absolutely love being the first person that they meet when they come to the school to tour, the person who remembers the little details about their family/child and welcoming them into our community. I truly am grateful that I get to be that person in our school.

However, with getting to know the children and their families also comes heartbreak when life is hard for them. Our children range in age from 15 months to 6 years old and some of them are dealing with things in their lives that they are just too young to deal with. We have children dealing with alcoholism in their families, children dealing with the possibility that their parents' marriage may not last, children whose parents work so much that they only see them one day each week and children whose parents are in treatment for serious diseases such as cancer. I've grown to know and love these kids and seeing them deal with such adult issues is really hard. I just want to scoop them up into my arms and hold them and comfort them. And there are some days that that's exactly what they want and need, so I do.

It breaks my heart to have a child burst into tears at and then explain to me that the card they're making for their dad shows him falling down the stairs that morning because he's intoxicated. A young, beautiful, amazing child witnessing that and seeing the way it affects them and their sibling and mother. Having children under the age of 10 attended Al-Anon meetings to try to support each other as their family tries to rebuild itself while being ravaged by alcoholism is just so hard. I'm sure it's a great program and that it is helping immensely, but the fact that they have to go just makes me so sad.

It breaks my heart when I get a phone call from a parent asking if their child can stay at school longer because the parent who normally watches them in the afternoon can't watch them because they are too drunk to drive. At 11 am. On a Wednesday. An amazing, bright child misses out on quality time with their parent because they chose alcohol instead.

It breaks my heart to know that children may have to deal with parents splitting and possibly divorcing and having to deal with life changing dramatically. Even if the parents get along well, life will not be the same. And those children will deal with a variety of emotions like sadness and anger and confusion.

It breaks my heart to know that there are some children who don't get to see one parent hardly ever. A parent told me that because they have to work so much, they only see their child one day a week. And they make that day a special day just for the two of them, but it is so sad to think of all the time lost. That parent is grateful to even have a job in this economy, which is totally understandable. But, as Stephen pointed out, if they only have that much time with the child, where is the time with the spouse? How can a marriage stay strong for the parents and the child with so little quality time?

It breaks my heart to know that children are dealing with the possibility of losing a parent to a serious illness. We have a parent who is a cancer survivor (thank the Lord) who is living with the after effects of increased testing each time they are sick- blood work, chest x-rays, various scans. We have another parent currently undergoing treatment for cancer and I believe the prognosis is good, but it's still scary. The very thought of my parents or grandparents getting sick makes me want to burst into tears and I've got a good 20+ years of life on these kids.

And it breaks my heart to know that this is not an anomaly. These children are a few of many, many children who deal with topics far above their age and maturity level. These children live in Douglas County, the 7th richest county in the nation (that statistic was on the radio earlier this week). They do not live in a rough area, yet they suffer with some of the same afflictions. So it breaks my heart to know there are children who deal with these topics as well as poverty, drugs, gang violence, etc.

So I pray and pray for these kids and their families. I pray for God's healing, for God's peace and for God's will in their lives. And I am there when they need me, in whatever way they do. There are some mornings with the children that a child will stand with their body against me and have me play with their hair. For 30 minutes straight. If that's what they need for comfort, that's what I'll give them.

Children are just SO precious. They are gifts from God meant to be loved, cared for, nurtured and brought up by parents who love them unconditionally and make them the priority. They deserve the very best that their parents can give them.

As I pray God's will for these children, I think of Jeremiah 29:11.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

I already love my future children so much and I want so badly that they should never deal with the pain these children are dealing with. And I know that Stephen and I will try as hard as it is humanly possible to take care of the children that God entrusts to us. And with His help and the help of our family and friends, I feel confident that we will take care of them in the best possible way.

Time for Some R&R (&R&R)

This blog brought to you by the letter R!


Running:
I'm back to having a routine with my running. I know, I know, in the course of this blog I've stopped and started 2-3 times, but I'm back in action and getting my butt kicked by my treadmill every other day (which comes to 3-4 times per week). My shoes and I have now logged 344.6 miles together. I logged into Nike+ for the first time in a long time (I've been uploading runs straight from my iPhone) and checked out my status in both my "Run Across America" challenge and progress to Nike Level Blue. Using my friend Google, I saw that I am almost completely across Washington and will be entering Idaho soon :)Doesn't seem like much when you zoom out and see the whole USA, but that's pretty far on foot! I am also 276.5 miles away from the next level, which means I'm over halfway there. It's the small victories.

In addition to running, I've been dabbling in yoga and pilates on my off days. I haven't been as dedicated with those since returning from Spring Training but it's been easy to get distracted with Rockies games on and a cute husband to cuddle. He's been working more mornings, so he's home when I get off work. A blessing to be sure, but it's hard to turn down cuddling on the couch in favor of exercise.

I have also been making an attempt to eat healthier. I'm watching my calories with the Loseit! app/website and eating a whole bunch more fruit. I love fruit, so I don't understand why I didn't eat more previously but I love my breakfasts of Cuties clementines, strawberries, raspberries or blackberries. So good. I've lost a little weight, which is always a welcome side effect. Nothing to write home about, but people are noticing a little bit of a slim down (Stephen & coworkers). That's nice :)

I'm also looking to start trying new recipes including more healthy ingredients such as quinoa. I found a black bean and quinoa chili recipe online as well as a quinoa & tomato salad that looks pretty good. I located it at King Soopers and will hopefully be trying it soon. We've got our meals planned for the next two weeks (we're trying to save money and waste less) so perhaps after that.

Reading
Thanks to a snowy day last Sunday, some relaxing evenings at home and Stephen closing two nights this week, I made it through three books this last week! How crazy is that? Totalling about 1500 pages, I read The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, Redeeming Love & The Unnamed. The first I found disturbing, the second I found redeeming (appropriately named) and the third I found interesting/odd.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo was for my Colorado Book Club. The book was interesting as you follow the mystery plot, but call me old fashioned, reading about rape, sadism and murder are just not my cup of tea. I felt that the detail given to these sections of the book were excessive and that I wanted to know more about the family mystery than the sad society that exists in Sweden. Each section began with a depressing statistic about the amount of sexual assault in Sweden (I'm not naive enough to pretend there isn't plenty of sexual assault here in the US, but it makes me sad to think about, much less read about in detail) and every person in the book has had an unfortunate history with sex and it is largely portrayed badly or without importance. People in Sweden apparently give it away like it isn't a big deal (yes I know that happens here too, doesn't make it a good thing). Maybe I'm just a big old prude.

Redeeming Love was everything a girl could hope for out of a Christian historical fiction novel depicting the story of Hosea & Gomer from the Bible. Not going to lie, I couldn't remember the story of Hosea off the top of my head (for shame!) but this book does contain elements of sadness and forced sexual relations but the story also helps the character involved to deal with it. Whereas those who suffered in The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo were not given any help following their incidents (unless death counts), this story follows a "soiled dove" as she is shown God's love through a man who, knowing her past, is willing to love her no matter what. A solid depiction of a man being "Jesus with skin on" as Pastor Ben used to say.

The Unnamed was an odd book. The premise is that a man has an unnamed, undiagnosable disease that causes him to walk without stopping until he reaches the point of total exhaustion. He has no control over this and it often occurs when he would least like it to. It follows his struggle to handle the illness, his wife and daughter's struggle to help him as well as understand it themselves, and his undying love for his wife, no matter where the disease takes him. He struggles with thoughts of suicide, questioning the existence of the soul/God, how to "beat" the beast, how to keep his job as a lawyer and how to be there for his family. It sort of reminds me of The Time Traveler's Wife in his inexplicable disappearances and waking up in random places. It wasn't a bad read, though I'm not sure it lived up to the acclaim it received. Here I go being a prude again, but I'm not sure that the F-bombs dropped throughout the book or the descriptions of sex acts between him and his wife helped advance the story. It sort of reminded me of The Human Stain in that respect. Swearing for swearing's sake annoys me. It only makes you cool if you're in junior high and think you're a rebel. And even then it doesn't make you cool, it makes you an idiot.

Reflection
Stephen and I are one week away from hitting our First Wedding Anniversary. It seems crazy that it's been a year and I've spent some time thinking about the days leading up to our wedding. I laughed to myself this morning thinking about my obsessive compulsive need to check the weather forecast for our wedding weekend literally every thirty minutes leading up to the big day. Having an iPhone is a blessing and a curse sometimes :) I was thinking about how many incredible people were praying for that weekend to be great... it was amazing to have so many people speaking into our lives in such a positive way. I thought about my amazing bridesmaids who threw me an incredible bridal shower, who helped me with invitations and favors, who gave me advice and love throughout the planning process, who are the best friends a girl could ask for. Man, I miss being close to them. I was thinking about how I wasn't nervous about marrying Stephen one bit before or on our wedding day- I was nervous the day of about the ceremony and things running smoothly, but never once did I get nervous about marrying Stephen. That was the easiest and best decision of my life. I was thinking about how extremely blessed we were by the people who came from all over to be there for our wedding-- family & friends poured out their love to us in person and through cards and gifts. I was thinking about how this is the first of a lifetime of anniversaries for us and how each year we'll be more in love and have more reasons to celebrate as our little family grows.

We'll be going to my first Rockies game at Coors Field to celebrate our anniversary. There's nothing I love more than experiencing life with Stephen by my side.

Really Exciting Upcoming Events:
April 18- Our Anniversary!
April 21-25- Mom is here to visit!
May 6-9- Gram and Grandpa Tom come to visit!