Goals Update #2

Goals for 2012:

Complete the Couch to 5K training program to get back into running
I have officially finished the Couch to 5K program :) The end of the program has you running for 30 minutes straight. Could I personally run a 5K in 30 minutes? No... but it's a start. I'll have to work on getting faster, but I'm pretty excited about finishing this up.

Read at least 18 books 
Well, 16 books down, 2 to go! And I've coincidentally got 2 more Harry Potter books to read... 
Looks like I'm going to have to up my goal before I hit the 18th book so that I can keep tracking it. I'm thinking that I'll up it to 24 first and then see where we go from there. 

Complete a second Photo A Day project
It's looking good so far. A fair amount of flowers and sunsets/sunrises and cloud pictures, but that's to be expected if you really know me well. Oh yeah, and food :)

Make a realistic budget with my husband and stick to it
So I can't really say that I've spent enough time on this one. Stephen's been tracking all the spending within the framework of our budget, but I haven't really checked out the results recently. I should probably do that. 

Actually finish the Bible Study I bought an embarrassingly long time ago
Complete! I finished Living Beyond Yourself on Friday of last week. It was really good. I continue to believe that God let me procrastinate on doing it because I really needed to hear a lot of what was in that study after going through our miscarriage instead of before it. The chapters on joy were particularly poignant as we had just been through one of the hardest things imaginable. 


I have since started a new Bible Study. It's by Kelly Minter and it's a study on Ruth: Loss, Love and Legacy. I'm only 4 days in, but I'm enjoying it so far and it's really taking the book of Ruth verse by verse and really delving into the meat and potatoes of the matter. I think I'll really like it and I enjoy the way that she writes. 


I've also already got my next study picked out, since I had to decide between two at Lifeway :)

Get pregnant again (God willing) and have a happy, healthy pregnancy
So far, not happening but I'm confident that God has a plan. Which is not to say that I've not driven my husband completely crazy with the emotional roller coaster that is involved in this process but for some reason, he loves me anyway. Like I said, God has a plan.

Blog more frequently
Well, you're reading this, aren't you? :)

Spend more time nurturing relationships
I feel like we've been rather social lately, which is really helping to encourage the growth of new relationships with the people around me. It's been nice to get to know people both in groups and more individually and I'm looking forward to getting to spend more time with them. We've got a good group of people out here and I'm glad to have them in our lives. Coming soon, we'll also have softball back in our lives, which will give me the opportunity to spend more time nurturing relationships with the other softball wives/fiancees/girlfriends. 




Now let's see, what else is there to update?


We're headed to Nashville in less than a week to go see the Rabon side of the family. It'll be my first time in Tennessee (another state to cross off the list) and the first time visiting their house out there. Plus, Grandpa and Grandma Rabon are meeting us out there and we haven't seen them in over a year. It should be a great time and I'm looking forward to a few days away from work after working like a madwoman to get our yearbook done.


And then, a (hopefully) short two weeks later, Sandi, Chris and Jackson will be here for a long weekend. I'm super excited to have the whole family out here at once and get to frolic around and go to a Rockies game together and have a Cinco de Mayo fiesta. Needless to say, it's going to be amazing.

Movie Review: The Hunger Games

I'm going to warn you once:
DO NOT READ THE REVIEW BELOW IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN THE HUNGER GAMES MOVIE. I am not responsible for spoiling the movie/plot if you continue on.

I would love some discussion on the topics mentioned below if anyone wants to comment.

Here's the thing about The Hunger Games movie: I liked it, but I did not love it.

I read the Hunger Games Trilogy in about a day each. Clearly, I enjoyed the series. So when I saw the trailer for the movie, like pretty much everyone else who read the books, I was excited to see the movie and how they would adapt the book for the screen. And overall, I think they did well. I think that the costumes were great (although if you're afraid of clowns, I recommend closing your eyes when they are showing large crowds of people at The Capitol). I liked the way that they presented each of the locations: i.e. the poorness of District 12, the opulence of The Capitol and the train. I thought the actors did a fine job of portraying their characters. I loved Lenny Kravitz as Cinna.

However, there were some crucial things that I think they missed/misrepresented. Here they are:

• The Mockingjay Pin/ symbolism: First and foremost, she did not get the pin at The Hob. The pin was given to her by District 12's mayor's daughter. The book also went into detail about what a mocking jay is and how it would be considered a symbol of rebellion/insubordination by Snow/The Capitol. Looking forward to future movies, they'll have to explain this better when Katniss becomes  "The Mockingjay." Otherwise, who cares about a silly little pin from her district?
• Haymitch: Could they have glossed over his role any more? Some random dude shows up on the train and we're told he's the mentor. What does that even mean? Those of us who read the books know that the mentors are former winners and they are brought back yearly to coach the children from their districts and help them gain sponsors, etc. But he just kind of shows up. We see him talking to scary Capitol people and then Katniss gets gifts, so we can infer what his role is but it would have been nice to have them go into more detail about what the point of his being there is. Also, when she gets the gifts, they have notes on them. That wasn't in the book- she had to know, knowing him as well as she did (not portrayed well in the movie) what his intention was (i.e. didn't send water because she was close to it (also not in the movie that she almost dehydrates despite Haymitch's advice that water is your best friend), that kissing Peeta would get more gifts, etc.) His relationship to Katniss and Peeta seemed remote in the movie. He also was key in telling them how to train, to stick together, etc. in the book but not so in the movie. He mentions that he can "work with" star crossed lovers but that's about it. 
• Avoxes were not mentioned at all. I think that was an oversight by the filmmakers as the Avox girl's history with Katniss would further show the cruelty of the Capitol as well as set up for the Avox who helps her out in book 3. 
• Her Prep Team: they were pretty much extras in this movie, which I felt was odd considering that she spends so much time describing them in the book, they are constantly around and become kind of a big deal in book 3. 
• Rue: Oh Rue. How I loved you in the book and cried over your death in both the book and the movie. I felt that as stinking adorable as the actress who played Rue was in the movie, the connection between her and Katniss was not really fleshed out. Without Katniss' inner dialogue about how Rue was her sister's age and how she really began to take care of her because of that connection, her death was kinda like "that sucks" instead of as devastated as Katniss appears on screen. I loved that she still buried her and showed her that love and respect but it felt so much MORE in the book. The scenes with Rue and Katniss were like 5 minutes in the movie. 
• Speaking of Rue's death, I did not like that they cut out the part where District 11 sent Katniss bread as a gift for taking care of Rue when she died. That scene in the book was BEAUTIFUL. (which also goes back to them cutting out Peeta explaining the regional breads to Katniss...) The thought of such a poor community banding together to send a gift to a tribute from another district? The thought makes me a little teary-eyed. Instead they show District 11 going into revolt (did not happen in the book). I get that they're setting up the sequel, but still...
• The Mutts: Yeah, I know it would have been really hard to set up the dogs who attack them in the end to really look like the dead tributes but that part in the book was crazy and poignant. I mean honestly, after reading that, did you have any doubt about how evil and manipulative and devious the Capitol was? 
• Gale. Could he have been any more pointless in this movie? Other than eye candy for girls who are in love with dudes who are dating fallen Disney stars? I'm not a big Gale fan myself. But regardless, if you're going to set up a love triangle, you should probably set up some storyline with "the other man." You see them as friends in the beginning, he looks a little sad when he sees Katniss kiss Peeta on TV and then he's obviously good friends with Prim at the end. The character development was just not there. Plus, without Katniss' inner struggle with the affections she shows Peeta, how do you know that she even likes Gale back? He mentions having his name in 42 times, but they don't even really touch on how that is possible. Maybe they should have explained the tesserae more...
• Katniss' home life: yeah she told her mom not to zone out like she did when her dad died. But really, did that explain just how much Katniss had to be the head of household? They hint at her dad's coal mine demise, but they don't touch at all on how important her dad was to her: how he taught her those songs, how he taught her to hunt, that her bow and jacket were his. How she inherited her singing voice from him. I felt like their relationship was a non-factor in the movie. 
• Speaking of her dad, after he died, Katniss almost starves to death. Peeta gives her bread when he sees her almost dying. This was in the movie, but I'm not sure the seriousness of her predicament came through. She looked like she was falling asleep and you don't see that he burned the bread on purpose. Could have been expanded more.
• They didn't really talk about what each district does. They talk about the tributes coming in "dressed in attire to represent their districts" but don't really say what that means. I would have liked to have seen an explanation of the districts to add some depth to the story. Plus each tribute would have strengths based on where they were from (particularly important in the case of Rue, for example). That would have only taken a few minutes.

Overall, I think a little more character development would have really helped his film. Having read the book, you know these things so maybe it's not a big deal that they don't expand on them. But if you haven't, does it suffer? I guess I won't know since I read it, but I feel that the movie was, as my husband says, "the book on speed." Everything happened SO FAST that they didn't really explain some things, they didn't really flesh out characters and relationships and they changed some things to set up sequels. I get that. I get that the movie was already 2 1/2 hours and to add all this would make it that much longer. But I feel like the movie would have been better if it didn't leave out some of this stuff. There are more things that I could nitpick about, for sure, but these were the big ones that stuck out to me in the middle of this rant. 

As I said at the start, some discussion is welcomed. Feel free to comment and tell me I'm being too picky or something. That's okay. 

My sweet husband tells me that the best adaptation of books to movies was the Harry Potter series. So now I'm reading those so that I can be the judge of that. I'm interested to see, considering that I saw the movies first, how that changes my perspective. But, two books down, five to go!

Thoughts on Friendship

I'm in the middle of two books right now, "The Happiness Project" and "Living Beyond Yourself: Exploring the Fruit of the Spirit," and both have just touched on the subject of friendship. And since one of my goals is to spend time nurturing relationships, I found these parts to be particularly salient in my quest to be a better friend. And, by reading those books, I'm knocking out two more goals (Read 18 books and finish the Bible Study I started an embarrassingly long time ago) so... BAM.

Thoughts from "The Happiness Project":

In her chapter on Friendship, Gretchen Rubin states that "everyone from contemporary scientists to ancient philosophers agree that having strong social bonds is probably the most meaningful contributor to happiness." She goes on to make a list of strategies she can use to be generous in her relationships. I wanted to list them here as both a reminder to myself (I'll remember them better writing them than I would from reading them).

• Help People Think Big: always encourage your friends in their goals and ambitions. Giving someone  some positive strokes and possibly helping them reach accomplishments will both make them feel good and make you feel good. She says that "one of the best ways to make yourself happy is to make other people happy; one of the best ways to make other people happy is to be happy yourself.
• Bring People Together: "Studies show that extroverts and introverts alike get a charge out of connecting with others; also, because people are sources of information and resources for one another, if you help bring people together, you provide them with new sources of support." 
• Contribute In My Way: Use my gifts and talents to help my friends. In lieu of giving gifts, use the ones I have to help in some way.
• Cut People Slack: "Remember not to judge people harshly, especially on the first or second encounter. Their actions might not reveal their enduring character but instead reflect some situation they find themselves in. Forbearance is a form of generosity."

The other key that she talks about is showing up. Be there to celebrate with your friends when something important happens: having a baby, opening a store, new job, etc. Take the time to deepen casual relationships and to confirm closeness with good friends. Also, spend time with those you don't know as well. "The 'mere exposure effect' is the term for the fact that repeated exposure makes you like music, faces--even nonsense syllables-- better. The more often you see a person, the more intelligent and attractive you'll find that person." And the same goes for their feelings about you.

When making friends: smile more frequently, actively invite others to join a conversation, create a positive mood, open a conversation, try to look accessible and warm, show a vulnerable side and laugh at yourself, show a readiness to be pleased, follow others' conversational leads and ask questions.

From "Living Beyond Yourself":

In her daily devotion on Philos: Friend Love, Beth Moore uses scriptures from the book of Luke to encourage us to:

• Place our friends in a high personal position/in high esteem (Luke 14:10)
• Share joy/sadness with our friends- philo love is characterized by shared experience in that the joy of one becomes the joy of all, etc. (Luke 15:8-9)
• A common pursuit or interest can make you friends- this is the adoption of like interests. However, be like Abraham in James 2:23 where he adopted God's interests as his own instead of like Herod and Pilate in Luke 23:8-12 where the common interests were evil in nature. Be cognizant that the catalyst of friendship is not always positive and be wary of this.

Galatians 6:10 says: "Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers."Philadelphos is Greek for brotherly love- we should strive to show this love to our friends.

God has blessed me with some amazing friends that I definitely don't want to take for granted.

Goals Update

Goals for 2012:

Complete the Couch to 5K training program to get back into running
I've been working on this one slowly but surely. I was doing pretty well but I've been sick for about a week, so I haven't been running at all. I felt like the first couple weeks were really too easy but then week 4 came and it got a lot harder. I started by increasing the speed of the run sections from what I used to run, but that's definitely become harder as the amount of running has increased. I repeated week 3 just to help build up. I'll be repeating week 4 once I can go for 30 minutes without coughing repeatedly.

Read at least 18 books (progress can be tracked on my blog to the right)
As you can see to the right, I've read 7 books already in 2012. I love reading and I've been lucky enough to have some free time to sit down and read. I think it's safe to say that I'll reach my goal of 18, but I don't want to jinx myself because life will only get busier as the year goes on.

Complete a second Photo A Day project
So far, so good on this. A lot of them have been taken on my iPhone, which is becoming my main camera  lately. It's easy to pull out and use whenever and with the iPhone 4s, the camera is quite a bit better than my previous phone. I really enjoy looking back over a year of our lives once the project is over so I'm really interested to see how 2012 pans out in picture form.

Make a realistic budget with my husband and stick to it
Stephen and I sat down and looked at our spending habits and have constructed a budget that should work. We have had a couple unusual things so far this year (additional income via tax refund, additional expenses to fly me to CA and later to send us both to Nashville) that makes things slightly different, but we're hoping to be able to use this going forward. I guess we're in the "testing to see if it is realistic" stage.

Actually finish the Bible Study I bought an embarrassingly long time ago
I haven't actually started on this one. It's next to my bed and I really don't have an excuse. I've been so wrapped up in the novels that I've read that I just haven't made the time. But I will.

Get pregnant again (God willing) and have a happy, healthy pregnancy
Well this is really in God's hands, but I'm still taking the steps to make sure it starts healthy. I've continued to take prenatal vitamins and I've been cooking more at home to try to eat healthier. Thanks to Pinterest for the recipes :) I've also been able to use Pinterest to get some really cute ideas for when we have our future babies.

Blog more frequently
A work in progress, but I think I'm off to a good start.

Spend more time nurturing relationships
This one is probably going to take the most time. This is the one that truly pushes me out of my comfort zone. Spending time nurturing relationships with the people that I'm already close to is not going to be uncomfortable for me. I just really need to spend the time to check in more often and see how my friends are doing. It's a little more difficult being so far away but I really need to take the time to do it. I'm heading home to California this weekend and hope to be able to catch up with some friends while I'm there about their lives. It's going to be tough due to the time constraints, but I really would like to do so.The really hard part is going to be nurturing new relationships that I'm forming out here in Colorado.

Truth be told, I'm really an introvert. Some people may not think so because I'm friendly, nice and once you get to know me I am very talkative, but I am not particularly good at meeting new people and developing relationships with them quickly. I do not enjoy going out and being in large groups of people (like at a party or something) very often and more often than not I'd rather sit at home, just the two of us, and read all night. I tend to turn inward in social situations unless approached. I prefer movies at home to movies in the theatre and I like going for long drives alone or with one other person more than I like any large social setting. I'd rather have a really important or deep conversation with one person than engage in small talk with multiple people. I enjoy having friends over very much, but afterword I'm tired, not energized. It's just the way that I'm wired.

We've recently met a few new girls out here through some of the guys we know. And I really want to be that person who is proactive and welcomes them into the group and spend the time getting to know them better. So I've added them as friends on Facebook and suggested getting together in a smaller group. And I intend to actually do so. And yeah, that might not seem like much, but it's a step in the right direction. It doesn't come naturally to me to do things like that. I make it a point to be nice to people when I see them and to try my best to make them feel welcome and show interest in their lives, but that's more a result of being raised right than feeling comfortable doing so. So, going forward, I'm going to try to get better at getting to know people better.  We have a friend out here named Kelsey who is amazing at this. Literally within like 30 seconds of meeting Kelsey, she is asking you questions about yourself and getting to know you and within 30 minutes, she probably knows your life story. It's so impressive. I adore Kelsey because she has really taken the time to get to know me and to talk to me about some serious issues in my life. It is truly a gift. That is what I would ideally like to be like (or at least something closer to this). But it's going to be a process to get there and it's going to take baby steps.

Adventures in Domesticity

Thanks to the wonderful invention that is Pinterest, my dear sweet husband has been the guinea pig for a lot of new recipes lately! And, thankfully, they've all turned out well. Here are a few that we have tried that we liked:

Crock Pot Chicken Taco Chili:
The last time we tried a Weight Watchers recipe, it didn't end well. We both took a few bites and couldn't eat more. This time, however, even Mr. I-don't-eat-leftovers ate the leftovers! It was good to eat as chili from the bowl and good to eat on tortilla chips as a sort of dip.


Baked Parmesan Tomatoes:
Anyone who knows me well knows I love tomatoes. I could eat them like apples if it didn't make such a mess. So when I saw this baked tomato recipe, I knew we had to try it. They were REALLY good. I accidentally thought it wanted fresh thyme instead of fresh oregano so that's what I used and it was really tasty. The parmesan had just the right amount of saltiness to go with the tomato. Definitely going to have to make these again.

Garlic-Rubbed Grilled Cheese with Tomato and Bacon:
Well, we all know how I feel about tomatoes from the last recipe and everything is better with bacon, so how could this possibly go wrong? I didn't use the fancy cheeses listed in this recipe because I never have them on hand and if I bought them, I might never use them again... so I went with classics: cheddar, mozzarella, and parmesan. I also totally forgot to rub the garlic on the bread (they smelled so good, I got distracted...) and it was still REALLY good.

Breaded Garlic Chicken in Lemon-Butter Sauce:
Oh garlic, how I love thee. This recipe was really good. I, of course, added extra garlic because I love it so. I'm also really lucky that Stephen does too because the smell might kill some non-garlic lovers. I was a little worried that the chicken would have an "eggy" taste from browning it first in the egg-parmesan mixture, but it did not. Maybe the garlic overpowered that, too :) I served it simply over some angel hair pasta with a little butter, salt and pepper and we both really enjoyed it.

Pizza Casserole:
Pizza casserole, renamed Pizzagna by a friend of mine. This was tasty and easy. I followed this recipe exactly as it is (but let's be honest, garlic could have been added!) and it was good. I made it last night, before Blizzard 2012 hit the Denver Metro area and with only two of us, we can be assured to have enough food to wait out the storm. I'm betting the leftovers are actually better than fresh (since most tomato based pasta dishes get better the longer the ingredients marry) and I'm looking forward to having some soon. It is about lunch time...

And, for the Super Bowl this Sunday (which will be at our house!) I'm attempting Blue Moon Cupcakes. Should be a hit with my cute husband since Blue Moon is his favorite beer.

If you'd like to follow my obsessive pinning habit, I can be found here.

And also, why have I never thought of this before?

I love ginger ale and I love strawberries. Why have I never put the two together until I saw this?

Goals

I don't really like resolutions, so here is something a little different.

Goals for 2012:

• Complete the Couch to 5K training program to get back into running
  
• Read at least 18 books (progress can be tracked on my blog to the right)
  
• Complete a second Photo A Day project
  
• Make a realistic budget with my husband and stick to it
  
• Actually finish the Bible Study I bought an embarrassingly long time ago
  
• Get pregnant again (God willing) and have a happy, healthy pregnancy
  
• Blog more frequently
  
• Spend more time nurturing relationships
  

I may add to this list as time goes on and I think of more.

Rollercoaster

One of the single happiest moments of my life occurred in the early morning hours of October 27, 2011. I woke up, went straight into the bathroom and took the first pregnancy test of my life. After waiting three minutes, Stephen went in to read the results. He grabbed the test, smiled and told me we were pregnant. I squealed and jumped on him.

That night, we called our families and closest friends and told them the good news. Every one was excited for us and I loved being able to tell everyone about our baby. I called the doctor the next day to schedule my first appointment. They recommended coming between 6-8 weeks, so it was set for November 14. The next few weeks were like floating on air. The two biggest dreams of my life were coming true: to be a wife and to be a mother. I got gifts for our baby from friends immediately. Like purchased within an hour of my call.

The first appointment did not go as expected. They did an ultrasound and the doctor found the yolk sac and the fetal pole, but no heart beat. She said it could just be too early and that I might not be as far along as we thought. She recommended that we come back in a week and we would check again. She did say that this could be a sign that we would miscarry. Of course, that's the one word that sticks in your head. I was nervous and scared, but Stephen, as always, took excellent care of me. I talked to a few friends and family who had a similar experience with their first appointment and got to feeling better.

After the longest week of my life, we went back on November 21. They used a much fancier ultrasound machine this time and within seconds we could see Baby's little heart fluttering on the ultrasound. Right away, I felt all the anxiety go away and felt secure in our pregnancy. The ultrasound tech was even able to find Baby's heartbeat with the doppler and we could hear it! There's nothing like that feeling. Baby measured at 6 weeks, 2 days, which was about 11 days younger than we had estimated based on my last period. The heartbeat was at 90 beats per minute. They said that was a little slow and asked us to come back in a week to check to be sure it would speed up.

That week was Thanksgiving and we spent it with my parents. We were all happy and loving the fact that a new little member of our family would be born in a few months. I posted our ultrasound picture on Facebook as we were happy and confident that our little one would be okay.



November 28, 2011 will always be one of the worst days of my life. We went to the doctor again and they did another ultrasound. When Baby's little heart wasn't fluttering on the screen immediately, we both knew. Our baby was no longer alive. The ultrasound tech tried very hard to find it, but the heartbeat was not there. Baby was still measuring at 6 weeks and had not grown since our last appointment. The doctor talked us though our options and we chose to let my body miscarry naturally instead of inducing it with medicine or having a D & C. We walked to the car and even though I held it together in the office, I couldn't hold it together once we were alone. Stephen comforted me and prayed for us. I swear I'd be lost without him.

After the new longest week of my life, we lost our Baby on December 4, 2011. The doctor said that the baby was so small, I probably wouldn't even notice when it left my body. I can assure you that was not the case. I saw our baby. It was a surreal experience to know what was going on but to not believe it. Thankfully Stephen was home that day and took the most amazing care of me before, while and after it happened. Exactly a week earlier we were watching football with friends and showing off the picture of our baby with such joy. And now that joy was gone.

I took the next day off of work because I wasn't ready to see people. I know my coworkers are amazing and would comfort me and love on me and care for me. But I wasn't ready for that. I knew a hug would bring tears. I didn't want the kids to ask why I was sad. I didn't want to have to lie to them or try to explain it to them. Sitting at home wasn't really that fun, either. But at least when I went to Chipotle to get food, I didn't have to explain anything. They didn't know I was ever pregnant, so they wouldn't know I lost our baby.

The emotions have been so crazy. One minute I'm sad and can't hold back the tears (right now). The next minute I'm angry. How could this happen to us? How is it fair that this happens to us, after we did everything right? We waited until we were married. We waited until we had established ourselves as a married couple. We planned for this baby. I had been taking prenatal vitamins for three months before we conceived. I started drinking milk, which is one of the things I dislike most. I was eating better. How is it fair that people who don't intend to get pregnant, who never wanted children or who don't love their child's father get to have perfect, healthy babies and we lose ours? Then comes the self-pity.

If I try not to think about it so that I don't feel these emotions, I feel like a bad person and that I don't care enough. How can you NOT think about the loss of your child all the time?

And then, I feel embarrassed. I feel so stupid for putting it on Facebook and telling the world and then having to un-tell them. And I feel like a failure. I feel like a bad mom because I couldn't even keep my baby alive long enough to be born. The doctor said it's not my fault. That there's nothing that I could have done differently. They say that 50% of miscarriages are chromosomal and the other 50% are unexplained. Well I can tell you that they 100% suck.

People don't know how to react when something like this happens. I can tell you I wouldn't have known how either, so I can't really blame them. People say they're sorry and I know they mean it. People ask what they can do to help... there's not really anything. Some people don't say anything at all because they don't want to make it worse. Some sent wonderful, heartfelt cards.

But the most helpful responses were from people who had experienced this themselves. I can't tell them thank you enough for opening their hearts (and possibly their own wounds) to talk me through this. You know who you are. Only they can understand the ridiculous range of emotions you feel in a single hour when you're dealing with this. Only they can understand the physical symptoms you're going through, no matter how gross/upsetting the details are. To those people, thank you. It helped more than you know.

The doctor said that the most important thing to take away from this experience is that we CAN have kids. I CAN get pregnant. This is not a fertility issue. And yes, that is HUGE. I would be even more crushed if we could not have kids.

But, I think the biggest thing that I can take away from this is how blessed I am to have the husband, family and friends that I have. Stephen has truly gotten me through this, while dealing with the loss himself. He held me when I cried (on many occasions), got me food, kept me from making stupid decisions (like going to a friend's house that Sunday to watch football-- he knows I would have powered through it for him but if I had lost the baby in the bathroom of a friend's house we'd have had to move and never contact those people again), heated my heating pad through the cramps, and was just there. He prayed for us. When all I could do when I opened my mouth was cry, he went to God for us. I had two people close to me offer to fly out and be with me when I was told that I would lose the baby. That's love. I had people texting me constantly to check on me and tell me they love me.

I'm obviously still dealing with this. I don't like to talk about it. I'm still emotional when I think about it. I still cry, heck, I'm doing it right now. And I still don't think it's fair and I still don't understand why it happened. I feel a little twinge of pain every time I see a pregnant person, or a friend has a baby or I hear that someone is pregnant. But I don't stop being happy for them. I know the joy they are feeling. And I pray that they never feel the pain that we've felt.

The last month has had the highest high and the lowest low. We've felt the purest and most amazing joy and the most profound pain.

But God is still good. God will bless us again and we will have a perfect, healthy, amazing baby (or two... or more). But we won't stop loving the Baby we lost. But for now, Baby is in heaven hanging out with Jesus and getting to work on our mansion up there while we continue to live down here.